When the phone rings it seldom makes my heart skip a beat. A few times in the past waiting for the phone to ring my heart has trembled. First time was probably when a crush called and I was worried my dad would find out. And the other times, far less melodramatic, but nonetheless meaningfull, was when my oldest brother Jake called to say he was being deployed to Iraq. Another time was finding out my sweet sister-in-law Amber and brother Tom are going to be pregnant. I swear the weeks (months) that followed seemed everytime the phone rang it meant she lost the baby. I know~ worry wart much Denise~ (Glad to say she is in third trimester and doing Great! Yeah for babies! )
But now I sit here and wait for my mom to call. It seems Grandma has approx. 2 hrs-to-two days left here upon the earth......
Heart trembling because I know when my phone rings what that means. My sweet grandma is 82. Has recently been diagnosed with cancer that has spread pretty much all through her body. When my Grandpa died it was so quick and unexpected...a major blow to our families exitence. My grandma has not been the same "happy" grandma since then. Sure she laughs from time to time, but the genuine happiness is gone. This is a blessing. She will pass away in her sleep. Our family is getting to say their "goodbyes." There will be no pain for her. I am not there. The guilt that rides inside my heart aches me to tears, because I want to be able to kiss her cheek and tell her how much I love her and how I will miss her loud inheritable "Swenk" laugh. (you know we both have it Lindsey) I will miss the way she tells barney, her yappy dog, to shut up, then picks him up and says "this dog." I will miss the way she squeezes hard when she hugs. The way she'll grab your face in her hands and say " I love you." Just because we get to say goodbye doesn't make it easier. I like to picture the way she'll hug my grandpa when she gets to see him again.
Heart trembling....wish I was there to hug my dad.
March 2023
3 months ago
5 comments:
My heart goes out to you, Denise. Your blog makes me want to take EmmaRose straight over to my grandme and grandpa. Your memory of her is what will keep her alive. Although my grandmother died when I was 2, it's the memories and stories I hear from my parents and extended family that makes her vibrant in my mind.
But it's hard, isn't it? To loose anyone is heartbreaking, but to loose someone you love... that's devastating. I know all the wonderful things people love to tell those in mourning, but it doesn't really make the hurt waiver. I know we should envy those that have passed on, but them dieing isn't what really hurts us. It's them leaving. Having to wait to see them again. It's hard and a little unfair that we don't get to have them in our lives right now. But Denise, I promise you, that Christ is the Savior, and this time, this moment of mourning, though unfair and hurtful as it may be, is but a instant. A very very very tiny microscopic moment in the eternity of life. And though this tiny road bump in our lives will remain in our memories as a giant pot-hole, I know your grandmother remembers you in these last hours. I know you are in her heart. I know that she is with your grandfather just waiting for the final steps to be taken for her to finally say goodbye to this life and move unto the next. She hasn't forgotten you, and though you feel miles and miles away from her, your father, and everyone else that means so dearly to you, your not. Your not miles miles away, Denise. You are right there. You are blessed with the Holy Spirit, the great comforter. He will close the gap for you. He will comfort you and allow you to remember more of her, and he will be there also for your family. I promise you, it's okay to be sad and mournful, but remember.. you are not alone. We all love you.
P.S.
I'm sorry if I speak out of line since I am only a distant friend and not family. My words are only those that come from the heart.
Thank you Carol~ you are so sweet and as much as you may try to deny it, you are definitly intuned with the spririt! :)
Oh Neiser, I'm so sorry that you can't be here but know that everyone understands and knows that with your current circumstances you can't just hop on a plane and fly here. Your Grandma knows that you love her because you always showed her when it counted, through the years of her life. She's been surrounded by family for about two weeks straight since she got the news and when she goes there will be no doubt in her mind that she has a good and loving family. So no worries friend. You just take care of that sweet baby girl because that's where your duties lie right at this moment. And that means that you're doing what's right! :) I love you friend.
I total know that picture,Denise. When my Granpa died, I knew imeadatly he would find my Grandma up in Heaven. I knew he would be happy.
I now know he had time with Jarret, Dillian, and Kayley.
Sarah~you are a sweetheart. thank you for your example to me on faith
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